The Desire of My Heart

Why this post has taken me so long to put to words, I'm not sure. It's one I have wanted to write for a long time. Maybe it's the pressure of writing just the right thing or it could be that after getting a little down time, all I desire is sleep in my large, I mean, pregnant state.

Since my freshman year in college, the choices I have made have been very deliberate. My desire, at least from that time on, was to one day have a family and be with them as much as possible. Going into college, they make you declare a major to get you going down some sort of path. I chose Pre-Med since I enjoyed Anatomy and Physiology in high school and liked being challenged in my courses. Let's just say that during my freshman year, I was falling head over heels for someone named D and my thoughts were turning more so to my MRS. degree instead. Seeing as though I knew there would be years of schooling and odd work hours, I knew that a Medical degree would probably not allow me the kind of job where I would feel like I was around enough for my family.

That's when I switched to a double major in Business and Finance. Things went along swimmingly. I married D a year and a half later; landed an internship with a bank which later turned into a career in banking followed by a switch to the PR side of it. By the time I was 25, I was a Blackberry toting, Assistant Vice President with an office overlooking the Galleria. This isn't to brag, but to point out that I still was not satisfied. See, I knew that I was also putting in the kind of hours and commute that make it challenging to be very present at home. I know there are those out there than can juggle it all successfully but something still felt unsettled.

Seeing as though I had always enjoyed working with children and had done so in various capacities throughout the years, I decided to obtain my teaching certificate on the side. Several months later, I became a Kindergarten teacher, leaving the boardroom for the classroom. The first week I started my new job, I found out I was pregnant with Gavin. For four years, I learned that being in the classroom was just as hard as being in the corporate world and I was okay with that because I had Gavin close by and he was staying with people who cared about him very much. I was still unsettled.

Fast forward to this summer when I was presented with the opportunity to work from home, writing and editing Bible study material. D and I felt at peace and still feel at peace to take this job despite other circumstances that are going on. The days are not easy (I'm really not looking for easy because that would just be boring, right?), but the reward is great. I am still trying to figure out schedules and the gymnastics of typing on the laptop when a certain three year old is snuggled up to me. However, I am so thankful that God has allowed this time in our lives. Will I ever go back into the public work field? Maybe. Will I ever get this time back with Gavin and our soon to be little girl? No, and I try to remember that every time there is an upset little boy or floors that seem like they need to be vacuumed three times a day. God has given me the desire of my heart. I can't say it's because of anything that I have done, but only by His grace.

Psalm 37:3-9

³ Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

⁷ Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.